See the Distance

Sick

2012-02-21T14:05:00.001-05:00

As I sit
to write
I'm listening
to naptime
in the monitor
I can hear
the strong sound
of a snore
because
we are ALL
sick.

I've been waiting
and waiting

for our family
cough
congestion
cold
to just go away
and it won't
it has been
relentless.

I'm trying
to rise above

the exhaustion
the whinnig
the snot
but as it lingers
and lingers
I'm finding it
more and more
difficult
to create ways

to distract

and entertain

them.

I reach points
when I love
the neediness
the snuggles
the heavy embrace
of them
sick
knowing they
just want
their Mommy.

Rocking
them
together
brings me back
to the beginning
when I would sit
in their nursery
pregnant
waiting
wondering
when
just rocking
me carrying
them.

And now I know
now I know
the good
the bad
the ugly
and
the snotty.

Then I reach
a point
when I just
want it
to stop
enough already
grow up
entertain
take care of
yourself!

Don't get me wrong
I still love it

I love all of it

but we have reached
a point
I have
they have
reached a point
where, yes
they are getting
BIG

but still
definitely still
they are
oh so small.

Perspective
looking back
it goes so fast
but in the moment
in some of the
moments
it goes
oh so slow.

Why does
sick
have to go
so slow?!

BIG

2012-02-16T15:00:00.001-05:00

We've gone
through
some BIG
changes
lately...

Lil' Big man
got a
big boy
hair cut
just in time
for his new
big boy
glasses.

He was
so good
a perfect
role model

for Lil' Sis

who looks

so Big

getting her hair
evened out

and her old
Big Bangs

trimmed.

They both
did great
and Mommy
did ok.

I just
keep reminding
myself...

Of course I won't like it.
They are still my cute babies.
It will grow.

BIG
Deep Breaths

BIG
changes

Big boy
glasses

Anticipating
Anxiety
Wondering
Hoping
He would keep
them on
I bought
two pairs
of play glasses.

It worked!

He still touched
He still wondered
He still knew

But he
kept em on!

I think
He "hearts"

his new glasses.

She certainly
was all
interested.
She tried to
touch
remove
put on

But then
it just clicked.

They got over it.
They moved on.
I was relieved.
When he was
relieved.

Remembering
my lil' big boy

Who now
can see
the distance.

They are getting
so BIG.

I'm left
feeling
a little sad
but
so
SO
proud!

Valentine's DAY

2012-02-14T07:39:00.001-05:00

Infertility

a word

I never

would have imagined

pairing with

Valentine's DAY

but there's always

a first for everything

and this is

my story

or rather

my artwork.

a symbol
a prayer
a hope
a wish
to conceive
a life.

I painted this
somewhere
in the middle
of our struggle
to get pregnant.

At the time
it felt
so revealing
to be so open
with such a
deep sorrow
deep yearning
for something
I had so clear
a vision of
yet it was
so far
from my reach.

If I had to put
myself
somewhere
in the painting
when I painted it
I would have been
in the dark hole
between
the finger and
the thumb.

Wanting to be
the seed
that grew
the life
from the love
of
my husband
and I.

Little did I know
then
looking at
this artwork
now
I painted
my reality.

Two little souls
made from love
on of all days
Valentine's DAY
the Eye
the beauty
the balance
the strength
the endurance
the patience
the peace
the love.

We woke
that morning
Valentine's DAY
knowing
headed
to the clinic
for the umteenth time
like so many
times before
failed.

Why today
of all days
can we not
just be
just enjoy
each other.
But when
nature
and
medicine
called
we answered.

So there I was
on Valentine's DAY
laying half naked
on a cold table
with a paper sheet
and my husband
in a chair
holding my hand
looking into my eyes
hoping
praying
wishing
wanting
this to be the day
different from
all other days.

Romantic
not really
no warm fire
no bearskin rug
no sweet embrace
no love...
making
for that matter.

Heartbreaking
really
that day
and all
the other days
when you
lay there
and realize
that your baby
our baby
was not
made from love...
well
the physical kind.

I struggled
with that
just that
knowing
wanting
my child
to be made
from love.

But I realize
now
that my children
were
most definitely
absolutely
made from love
the kind
that transcends
the physical
and rises to
the spiritual.

Something more
greater
was with us
that day
2 years ago
today
Valentine's DAY

Cupid
blessed us
twice!

Valentine's DAY
forever
a celebration of
Love
and Life!

BitterSweet

2012-02-10T13:49:00.001-05:00

No I am not
talking about
Chocolate
although I wish
I was...

More like a
BitterSweet Bath
you know
the one
the twins
took
last night
where somehow
we managed
to lose
our LAST
contact.

I remember
days when
Easton would actually
patch
during bath time!
Ha, those where
the days.

As you can imagine
I rarely
take pictures
during bath time
for a variety
of reasons

but a main one
is so I
can keep an eye
on the Eye
or rather
the contact.

Well I've officially
learned my lesson
no more
wearing the contact
in the tub.
Period.
I refuse to allow
this to happen
again.

It's gone
somewhere between
soapy hands

and silly photos
of wet hair

and shinny baby skin
it's GONE.

Children were removed
bath toys were examined
water was sifted
flashlights were glowing
clothes
towels
carpets
highchairs
hours later
kids in bed
who knows?!
It's gone.

Which means
no backup
and more
of that
BitterSweet
taste.

Contact free
Patch free

Worry free?!
Not so much

You would think
days like this
feel great
like a vacation
or what have you
but not really.

At the heart
of all the
contact and patching
DRAMA
I really just want
what is best
for my son
and
taking breaks
whether planned
or NOT
is not what is
best
for him.
I know it
and
I feel it.

Which is why
the next few days
until the new
contact
comes in
will most definitely
taste

BitterSweet.

Chocolate
anyone?!

Fab Feb Fun

2012-02-09T13:43:00.000-05:00

It's not always
about the Eye
although
it certainly
feels like it
at times.

In fact
February
has been quite
fabulously filled
with lots of
FUN
crafts
and new
activities.

We made
Valentines
during circle time
at gymnastics
with fun
foam shapes.

Easton just wanted
to eat the tiny pieces
of paper that peeled
off the back
of the sticker shapes.

Azalea was more
interested in peeling
the letters of her name
right off the Valentine.
At one point
all of the letter A's
were off...
I managed to find
2 of the 3!

The other heart shape
is actually a crayon!
I melted
different colors
together
in a silicone
heart shaped
baking pan
that I asked
my hubby
to pick up
while out at work
and he did! ;)

So fun
and
so easy
to do
and best of all
the kiddies
love coloring
their little
"hearts" out!

We color
at least twice
a day
and the heart shape
is perfect
for their
little hands
to hold.
Love.

Well really
I think they have
more fun
shaking the paper
all around
the house
once we are
done.

Of course
hearts are on
the chalkboard
as well.

We miss
our tree
can you see
and speaking of

a tree...

at the same place
of our
original tree
we normally visit
outside
we now go there
but inside
each week
to music class
and look what
we found
in the classroom
a tree!

And lots of
instruments
and
what else
more
fun!

We also found
a new fun toy
slinky
at the dollar store!

Gotta love
cheap fun!

Gotta love
more
fun
moments
like this...

Then while
I found myself
nose deep
untangling
two slinkies
Easton found himself
nose deep
in my Kleenex box!

By the way
this is what
late afternoon
looks like
at our house
yes, all three
of my
littles
looking
waiting
for Daddy
to come
home.
Precious!

And this
Fabulously
February
Fun post
would not
be complete
without
spreadin a little
of the Love
that's in the air.

Sweet
Kisses
everyone
hope you are
having
Fabulous
February
Fun
as well!

Release Relief

2012-02-06T22:29:00.002-05:00

To say that I
have been
peacfully
patient
this past
week
would be
untrue.

I tried
truly
to focus
on anything
but
this day
and nothing
till now
felt
authentic.

It seemed
I was preparing
for the worst
and hoping
not to fall
too far from
my expectations.

The tension
of getting to
this point
seemed
unbareable
even in
the little moments
and then there was
the moment
when
I was able to

release
relief
exhale
breathe

wait
what was that
what did I
just hear
it's a 20!

A number
the number
again...
22.

release
relief
we are headed
in a direciton
I want to go.

glaucoma
eye pressure
down
for now
for today
for this moment

thank you
thank you
thank you
release
relief

continue drops
come back in
six weeks
still glaucoma
but managed
for now
for this moment

one
amazing
moment
no surgery
for
now

so the head tilt
current theory
current fact
Easton's good eye
the other eye
the "healthy" eye
has an astigmatism

he is nearsighted
will need to wear
glasses
for the good eye
to better see
far
when not patched
starting
now
well really
once we get
the glasses

is possible
when he was
tilting to see
in better focus
from the side
and not
frontal view
newly needed
glasses
may correct
the head tilt

also the size
of his Eye
has changed
grown in general
and from
glaucoma
also the prescription
has changed
grown from patching
and from
glaucoma

so he will
be refitted
for a new
contact lens
along with
the new
glasses

I'll take it
all of it
release
relief

this is good news
on the bumpy path
to restore
Easton's vision
he
and
we
will
see
the
distance

Patience

2012-01-31T10:25:00.001-05:00

This year
January
has been about
Patience
waiting
for results
waiting
for snow.

There is a saying,
good things come
to those
who wait.

I've learned
this lesson
once before
three years later
I was blessed with
my babies.

So we shall continue
to wait
wait for the retreat
of glaucoma
wait for restored vision
in his Eye
BUT
the snow is here!

Some of us
enjoyed it
and some of us
did not.

But to be fair
she needed time
don't we all
when we experience
something new
our responses
can vary
certainly crying
is one way
I've dealt with
something new.

This girl
deals with life
slowly
but surely
whether it's
being born
being held
learning to eat
learning to move
feeling grass
feeling water
she just
needs time.

I can totally
relate
change
growth
new stuff
like fluffy white snow
these things
are hard
and so is
patience
especially when
you really don't know
where it all
will lead you to.

This one though
he is
not afraid
never has been
wasn't long
till he was
plowing through
the white stuff
like a little Eskimo.

He would fall

and get right back
up
with stuffy snow pants on
and all
that's what he does
that's what he has
always done.

Life
pushed him down
before he even knew
how to get
back up
and he still
does it anyway.

He just
brushes himself off
and gets back
in the game.

And game there was
watching
our crazy dog
try
to climb
a tree!

Truly
she is trying
to jump
and climb
the tree.

Lesson learned

try

try and fail

try and succeed

nothing is accomplished

unless you

try.

She started to try

She touched the snow.
He tried
to taste the snow.

The dog
didn't get up
the tree
but she had fun
trying.

I tried

to get a good shot

of both of them

together enjoying

the snow

this is my

best shot.

I tried.

I am trying

to be

patient

to just

relax

embrace

enjoy

each moment

whether the result

is good

or bad

there is

peace

patience.

And look who

is smiling

in the

snow!

the skeleton

2012-01-27T22:36:00.000-05:00

I know
I know
I'm obsessed
the chalk
the board
havn't we had
enough already!

I can't
help it

one part fun

two parts cuteness

three parts therapeutic

Although yes, I am an
Art Teacher
when I am not a
Full-time MOM
I also have a degree in
Art Therapy
hence
the photography
the artwork
the poetry
the emotion
all in one
big blog
and this post...

the chalk
started speaking
to me.

First of all
Nannu came over
yesterday
that would be
my Dad
Hello man with
hairy tattooed forearm!

He likes
tattoos
skeletons
Art
and many other things. ;)
Of course he had to
draw with the kids
on the new
chalkboard.

This would be
his creation

just a snap shot

of an ever changing

work of Art

but today

it feels like

more...

two flowers

one big

one little

just like my

little flowers

the skeleton

is over

the big flower

but including

the little one

as well.

the skeleton

the Eye

his Eye

built in

part of

the original structure

over him

over us

overwhelming

at times.

the skeleton

is not preventing

the flowers

from growth

from beauty

in fact it is

the source

from which

the rest

of the body

is held

a symbol of

strength

balance

endurance

like the rock

bones too

carry us

but they do not

define us.

the skeleton

seems friendly

reaching out

waving

the Eye

can be friendly

it's growing

it's seeing

but as we all know

skeletons have

darksides

and so does

the Eye.

I am feeling

the darkside

a little more

these days

ahem glaucoma

and especially today

the Eye

and it's sidekick

the contact lens

kicked me real good

right in the stomach.

Occupational Therapy

was here today

for lunch with Azalea

(she by the way

is doing fantastic)

Easton rubbed his Eye

the lens fell out

patch still on

food all over face

hands dirty

oh just imagine

I washed my hands

had OT hold his

and we, well I

got the lens back in

all while he still sat

in his highchair

this was a first!

But the whole fiasco

left me feeling

well I was shaking

literally

something about

putting the lens in

in front of someone

new?

especially when

let's just say

it didn't go in

easily

so she got to see

the darkside

and I felt like

the skeleton

the cruel contact shoving

momster.

I know

I know I'm not

and I know

OT didn't think that

but I felt it

I felt like

the skeleton

the source

the person who

stands over him

overwhelms him

forces

shoves

pries

into his Eye.

Let's top this off

with a little more

salt in the wound

not an hour later

he went down

for a nap

only to wake

without the contact

tried to find it

no luck

hubby home

he finds it

shattered

in the carpet

in his bedroom

ohhhhh

the joy

the fun

the skeleton.

PS. I will try

to resist

the urge

to post

more chalk pics

but I am not

making any

promises.

Vox

2012-01-24T13:37:00.000-05:00

Our weekly trips

to the babysitter's house

are starting to become

routine.

Honestly

I looked forward

to the day

those two hours

that I could just

breathe

exhale

clean

organize

my thoughts

and

my house.

Each week

it was easy

for me

drop em off

and go.

Each week

it got easier

for them

a little more

comfortable

a little less

concern.

This week

the tables turned

they were already

into the toys

music on

dance party started

before I was even

out the door.

As I pulled away

in fact, before then

as I was

getting them dressed

to go

I felt it

the twinge

I'm gonna miss em.

I mean really

this sight

How could I
not?!
They are people now.
They are fun.
They are work
but way more fun
now.

According to Azalea
they have "vox" on
that would translate to
socks
my socks to be exact
helping me with the laundry
turned into a fashion show.

We are in a
language explosion
at the moment
everyday they seem to
understand that much
more.

She tries to say
everything
she can make
the "s" sound
but socks
always comes out
vox
and I laugh
every time.

He loves to
make noises
every and any
noise.
He tries to speak
different words too
but he copies
every noise he hears
some of the noises
I don't even notice
until I hear him
trying to repeat it.

I put this pic in
well one because
it's cute
this kid can manage to make
pink socks
cuddly pillows
and blankets
look well... manly
he is all boy.

But also because
of the way he is looking
with his head turned
he does this a lot
when not patched
he leads with his bad eye
to see?
I would think
he would lead with his good?
if at all?
Does anyone else's
little people
with one good eye
do this?

And lastly
the newest
chalkboard creation
I finally found a good use
for my cream and sugar set!
I have had many things
in this creamer
but never cream.

I'm starting to wonder
why I didn't just paint
to the end of the wall?
I still might?!

Keepin Busy

2012-01-21T21:55:00.000-05:00

I'm getting used to

the "fun pack"

of patches

I like how

the lil fishes are swimmin

especially in that pic.

We are keepin busy

these days

passing time

till the next Eye Dr. apt.

and nothing

does that better

than spending time

reaching for rings

and running around
at the gymnastics center.

We also added

something new

to our home

chalkboard paint

right on the back
of our kitchen island
right in the middle of
our home.

I've been thinking about it
waiting for the right time
while having reservations
you can imagine

but in the spirit of
just do it
and
when life gets messy
make a mess
I went for it!

You can tell
who is priority
in this house.

I figured it was a sign
we were doing
something right
when Daddy found this
on the back of the chalk package

Look carefully
among the many places
note the first!! ;)

And look who
participated in an activity
for more than
30 seconds!

yes there was dust
yes they colored on more than just the chalkboard
yes they tried to eat it
yes the dog tried to lick the wall
yes their hands were dirty
yes it smeared on their clothes

and YES
we had so much FUN
all day long
it was like living with an artwork
it evolved with us
it will continued to
keep us busy!

chalk anyone?!

pick a color!

Indoors

2012-01-16T14:08:00.003-05:00

When I imagined
playing in the snow
with my kids
I didn't exactly
imagine
this...

But hey at least

they now know

how to properly play
with a polar bear
indoors.

As you can see

it finally

snowed!

Which gave me

the opportunity

to shoot the shadow

of a tree on snow

but this one

doesn't count

cuz it's not

Our Tree

oh well soon enough.

So while we wait

for the right moment

of snow

of sunlight

and

fair weather

we watch

and play

indoors.

We also found

a fun place

for snacks

but don't be fooled

as cute

and

as grown

as they may look

toddler table time
only lasts so long before
toddlers think table
is a mountain
that needs to be climbed.

Ohhhhhhh
the joy
of being
indoors.

Our Tree!

2012-01-11T17:04:00.003-05:00

Look at that

could it be
is it really

Our Tree!

in January?!

The weather was

way too amazing

to resist

so we bundled up

and went for it.

A little bit of
a winter treat

definite chill
in the air
but the sun was beaming
so bright
I noticed him

notice the shadows.

So excited
So happy

we were
on our way
my babies
and me

headed to
Our Tree!

If only there was
snow
his new patch
would have matched
the shadows
of the branches
on the ground.

But even
without it
we still
were in wonder

Winter Wonder

Everything seemed
so quiet
so calm
so cold
without being cold.

We loved it
We needed it
We will be back.

I want this picture
with a blanket
of snow!

Settling in

2012-01-09T14:33:00.000-05:00

The New Year is
settling in
and so are
the new feelings
of living with
glaucoma.

Admittingly
it took me
a moment
to process
all that came
with 2012.

There were a few
sleepless nights
a few moments
of panic
worry
fear
where does glaucoma
begin
and a toddler
wearing a contact
and a patch
end?!

But on the other hand
there were also
moments of strength
of encouragement
and determination.

Many thanks
to those who are
praying
praying for my baby boy
that his vision
isn't stolen
taken away
by more
random
circumstance.

Sometimes I feel
so helpless
that his Eye
his glaucoma
is the one
in control
so I decided to
reach out
make all this worth
something
at least
feel like that
anyway...

I submitted a post
to Little Four Eyes
a great website
for parents of children
with vision concerns.

My most popular post
Dear Easton
to me
it speaks
to every parent
who knows
what is best
for their child
but also knows
that the best
isn't always
the easiest.

It made me feel
better.
I also learned that
January is
Glaucoma Awareness Month
who knew?!
so I took it
as a sign
that I did
the right thing.
I hope it helps
someone
feel better.

I also read
the last sentence
of a random book
sitting on the coffee table
at my Mom's house
it said
the only thing a human
needs to do
is wait and hope.
Random?!

So in the light
of staying positive
I will wait
and
I will hope
that in the end
what will be
is meant to be
obviously
I hope
Easton will see.

glaucoma

2012-01-03T23:38:00.002-05:00

Oh boy
my boy
my sweet
baby boy.

I don't
even know
where
to begin.
I could confess
and say
I wrote my last post
on purpose
so that
this post
wouldn't be
the first.

Cue sad
overly dramatic
music...
is it over kill
if I say
it all started
when we lost
yes, another contact
again
the night before
the appointment.
It was our
longest lasting one
over 3 months.
It's gone
along with
the wasted hours
we spent looking
for it.

wear's the contact?
wear's Easton?!

Over it.
Over all of it.

There is a little
bit of everthing
as I write this

anger
sadness
fear
anxiety

pride
relief
reality

He has Glaucoma.

Well he has had
Glaucoma
wait
I don't even
want to capitalize
that word
I hate it's power.
His glaucoma was
under control
until now.

So his numbers
right
wondering
waiting
for that number
there were a few
lowest... 28
highest... 38
remember 40 is bad
so we are treating
him.

eyedrops for now
eyedrops now
for a long time.

possibly surgery
most likely surgery
if the numbers
don't go down
within 2 months time.

go back
in 1 month
to recheck
I'm loosing
hope
but there is a chance
that just drops
will help.

I have to say
Easton was
again
a Rock

His vision
a balance
that we can not
control
but he was so
so strong
he endured.

The Dr. said
that other Dr.'s
don't believe her
when she talks about
his case
and how cooperative
he is.
She was happy
and confident
that she didn't need
to have an exam
under anesthesia.

There was other
good news
his optic nerve
showed little
if any
damage
so we caught it
in it's very
early stages.

He is not
in any pain
there is nothing
he did
we did
to start
it
but it's here
it's reality
it's 2012

And we will
continue
to move
forward
together.

I'm learning
when life
gets messy

make a mess

We will

pick up

and

move on.

This is part
of our journey
See the Distance.

Happy New Year

2012-01-01T22:18:00.000-05:00

I know

I do

this often...

look back

but it helps

me gain

perspective.

And now

the present

has me

thinking

of this year

to come

the future

what will

it bring

Smiles
I hope.

We have
grown
in so many ways
but somehow
we landed
right back
to where
we started

same spot
same wall

a year later
together.

As always
with whatever
the new year
may bring
we will share it
together.

Easton and Azalea
wish
everyone
Happy New Year!

Holiday Recap

2011-12-30T13:39:00.000-05:00

Better late

than Never

so here goes

a Christmas post

one last time.

Christmas Eve

was met

with some old

traditions...

these lights

have been bubbling

on my Mom's tree

since before

I was born.

and some new...

watching my children

attempt, key word

to open

their gifts.

I will spare us all

with every single photo

but BEFORE openning

pretty much every gift

both of them

had to

play with

pick up

and

sit on

every single gift.

Then they would

attempt, again key word

to unwrap

someone would assist

make an initial rip

here or there

you know

the kids would follow

continue with the rip

but once they had

a piece of paper

actually in their hands

that was it

game over

piece of paper

is way more fun

than unwrapping

a big box.

Duhhh

So we went with it

carried on

openned and played

lots of laughs

as evident in

this year's

Christmas Family Photo

hey you can't win em all

This was an attempt
at getting the two of them
to actually sit, ha
for a photo together
after this quick snap
Easton then catapulted
himself right out of the chair.

Once we got home

Buddy, the elf

made his last appearance

for the Holiday Season

then off to the North Pole

he went

till next year.

He might be renamed

next year?

If the kids

will be able to...

we will see.

No Buddy

you are NOT a

Cottonheaded Ninny Muggins!

Christmas Morning
arrived with excitement
before heading to the tree
both of them had to
ride the new turtle
they got the day before.
We had to put a
Boppy pillow
under it
so Azalea's lil legs
could reach the floor.

Openning gifts

was a bit of the same

play with box

play with paper

kinda unwrap

play with more paper

eventually

play with new toy.

Easton got a new

Patch Pal

Patchy, the Pirate

I have a feeling

there is more

of this to come.

Among many things

Azalea got a scare

from Daddy's new

bear claw slippers.

Too funny!

She is just now

getting more comfortable

being in the same room

with

them.

And Mommy
got her shot!
Love it.
Love them.
Love the love
they share.

Christmas Day

ended with more

tradition

more family

and one last

family photo.

I'll take it.

I'll take all of it.

We had a Merry

Christmas.

Chirstmas Magic

2011-12-23T13:21:00.000-05:00

When he looses

his contact

again

for the gazillionth time

it feels like

it's never

gonna let up.

You check

his clothes

his crib

his highchair

the kitchen

the living room

the hallway

under toys

and at some point

you just

stop

but the funny things is

your instinct to look

really doesn't

stop.

So I'm eating dinner

I look down

and there it is

a little tiny shinny spot

on the carpet

in the middle of the house

where the most traffic is

where we all looked

and walked over

so many times.

Christmas Magic

the Contact Fairy

who knows

but we got it

back,

I still believe!

So Grandma and I

packed the kids

in the car

while Daddy stayed

home and baked

Christmas Cookies.

We were feelin it

that Christmas Magic

so off to see

Santa

we went.

It was a perfect night

cold but not freezing

the line to see Him

was just long enough

so we waited.

She professionally

people watches.

He goes

He sees

He touches

They were perfect

It was perfect

The suspense

was building

the children

were buzzing.

We arrived

on his sleigh!

The jingle bells

were jingling.

The little boy

was touching.

The little girl

was watching...

a train up above.

And then...

I think

everyone has

a memory

a feeling

a sight

a smell

of that momemt

your moment

with Santa.

To bring your child

my children

to this moment

and see

it happen

for the first time

the Magic

is undeniable.

He who

doesn't go first

who is

oh so shy

was the first

was not afraid.

And then

you start

to believe

even more

in that Magic.

She who

normally leads

followed her

brother's lead

this time.

We were there

in His presense.

Christmas Magic

Pure fun

that is all

I can say.

It was

pure fun!

We came home

to the smell

of freshly baked

Christmas Cookies.

Can Christmas

get any better

than this?!

Let's just clarify

one last thing...

yes, he bakes

but I frost! ;)

Merry Chirstmas!

Wishing everyone

a bit of that

Christmas Magic!

Don't waste it

2011-12-21T13:22:00.000-05:00

Been feeling
many different
feelings
lately.

We started something
new...

The kids go
to a babysitter
once a week
for two hours.
They have only
been with family
till now.
I felt they needed
to get used to
this new concept
to get used to
the new babysitter
and give me a chance
to simply
catch up
on MY life.

I knew Easton
would have
the harder time.
They both
are fine with
me leaving,
I go quietly.
The sitter says
they do great
have fun
play
snack
crafts, etc.

But both times now
when I come back
Easton sees me
and starts to cry
almost like
he finally realizes
what just happened.

Azalea, of course
is the opposite
she just looks up
and smiles
and is pretty much
ready to do
whatever is next.
She gave
new meaning to
Miss. Independent
literally
the day
she was born.

I know I know
what is two hours?!
Yes, it flies by.
Yes, it breaks my heart
to leave
to come back
to see him cry
to see them have fun
without me.

But I also felt
something new,
Mom adreniline?!
I don't know
what else to call it.

I get home
I relax for
a moment
and then
I don't want
to waste it.
I find something
to do
and
I do it.
I do it with
Mom adreniline
like a crazy lady.

Yes, because
I have two hours
but also because
they are not
with me
they are not
with family
so I will
not waste
this time.
I will use it
I will do it
I will be the best
I can be
especially since
I let them be
without me.

I feel like
when I go back to
work
when I go back to
my life
when I go back to
them
I want to be better.
I want the
sacrifices
to be for
something.

I will be
a better teacher
because I am
not with
them
and I will be
a better Mom
when I am
finally
back with
them.

Does this
make sense...
Mom adreniline.

With it being
the end of
the year
and
the start of
a new one,
my last one
with them
home
with them
with Easton's Eye
being... well
what it is.

I just don't
want to
waste it.

I don't want to
waste anything
time
moments
opportunities
health
none of it.

Don't waste it!

Christmas Prayer

2011-12-20T20:56:00.000-05:00

Just when
you think

the Eye is

semi predictable

think again.

Went to the Eye Dr.

yesterday

his Eye pressure

for monitoring

his Glaucoma

should be lower

than 18

Dr. kept getting

readings of 28

not good

asked her

what reading is

really bad... 40.

So at least

his Eye is not 40.

She wants to

see him again

in 2 weeks.

She debated

4 weeks with eye drops

or 2 weeks

with better instruments.

He has no other

signs or symptoms

of Glaucoma

so we will go

to her other office

with the better instruments

and pray.

The appointment

will take longer

she will dilate

both eyes.

If the pressure

is not down

he will go on drops

for about a month

if the pressure still

is not down

he will have to

have surgery

to release the

pressure.

Other than that
the appointment
and the rest of
his Eye
was great.
He was so good
with the exam
and the contact
it literally brought
tears to my eyes
so proud.
He was a rock
no wiggling
no resisting
no whinning
no crying
it was almost
like he knew
just how important
it all was.

It's hard
not to worry.
I look at him
and look at
his Eye
you would never know
pressure is building?!
He is just
as silly
as happy
as active
as he always is.
I truly thought
the visit was just
routine
and now
the knot
is back.

But it is
what it is
AND it is
Christmas
so holiday cheer
we will bring.
Over the weekend
we tried
Bingo Dot Painting
sounded like fun
figured I could
turn it into wrapping paper
for holiday gifts.

This is what
the paper
looked like
before we even
got started!

Easton was way more
interested in
painting his fingers
than dotting the paper.

Azalea was the complete
opposite.
She preferred to stay
clean
and also really tried
to dot
correctly?

Not sure
if there really is
a correct way to
dot paint
but if there was
she did it.

They both
had a lot of fun
and that is really
what the goal was
dots
marks
smears
it all got on the paper
and
the gifts got wrapped.

Then of course
we had to have
snacks n sippys!
Daddy taught them
how to lay down
and drink
since they have trouble
tipping the sippy up
to drink.
So cute
he lays
and then
she lays.

It has been
such a busy month
this is
such a busy holiday
I know 2 weeks
will be here
before I know it.
Christmas will come
and go
the New Year will
ring in
and then we will
be sitting in
the Eye chair.

In the meantime
I am not going
to worry
I am not going
to cry
I am not going
to wish it all away.
But I will
pray.
I will pray for
peace
love
joy
and low pressure.
That's not too much
to ask
for Christmas.
Right?!

O Christmas Tree

2011-12-12T21:35:00.000-05:00

O Christmas Tree
O Christmas Tree
O Christmas Tree
O Christmas Tree

and the song
goes on
and on
and on
with just those words
at different pitches
to the tune of the song.

My Dad used to
sing it to us
and still does
and now I sing it
to them
just like that
the only way
I know it.

Christmas does that
brings back
all the memories
like this
ceramic
Christmas tree.

It reminds me
so much
of my Grandma,
every year
she displayed hers
in the front window
on the table
that my monsters
now climb
all over
like a jungle gym.
I wonder what
she would
say about that now.

I never really
even liked the tree
growing up
it was rather small
hard and shinny
so not what
Christmas trees are.
And the lights
they just stick out
like spikes
on the edges
it kinda scared me
actually
when I was really young
but then something
changed.

I saw it
differently.
I like it now.
I like that it
sits on my kitchen counter
glowing
all different kinds
of bright colors.

I like that it
reminds me
of old Christmas
memories.
I guess
you could say
I've aquired a taste
an appreciation
for what it
represents.

Really don't all
Christmas trees
do that?!
Especially the ornaments
each one of them
tells a story
of all the Christmases
Past
Present
and Future.

I often wonder
what memories
the kids will have
if any
of this time
not just Christmas
but this time
with me.

I know
they are still
so very young
I have few
if any
memories
before the age
of two.

But sometimes
the day ends
and I just wonder
what was accomplished
what was learned
what was taught
what will be remembered.

Raising twins
has been a bit
of an organized
chaos
trial and error
live and learn
not ideal
not perfect

Just last night
bath night
I was dressing Easton
and Azalea was playing
she tripped
on his jammies
face first into the floor
instant swollen
bloody lip
the worst boo boo
so far.

Luckily Daddy
ran to the rescue
my hands were busy
naked boy
fresh out of the tub
was in my hands.
It's tough
sometimes
especially during the day
when I'm
on my own.

Also this weekend
I took out
Rick's contact
just to see
if I could
well I knew I could
but you know what I mean
he winced
he shuttered
the thought of
my fingers
headed for
his eye
it was just weird.

It reminded me
how in the beginning
it was hard
just to even attempt
going into
Easton's Eye.
I can only
imagine
what it's like
for him.

Memories
what will they
remember
who knows
at the end
of the day
I can only hope

the love
the laughter
the singing
the dancing
the playing
the praying

maybe even
this ceramic
Christmas tree
is what is
glowing
in their little
minds and hearts.

Maybe they will see
that it
along with
all the rest
of life
is more than
just
what you see.

It's more
there is more
It's what you
make of it
It's all of it.

O Christmas Tree
O Christmas Tree
We are busy
making memories!

Let it Snow

2011-12-09T13:56:00.000-05:00

Yay it snowed today!

Always love

the first snow fall

of the winter season.

Just something about
waking up
to a fresh blanket
of snow
covering the outdoors.
It instantly makes
our home feel
that much more
warm and cozy.

So as the kids
ate breakfast
this morning
the Christmas tree
was glowing
the Christmas songs
were singing
and the snow
was falling.
Tis the Season!

Had to get out
their big winter coats
for our weekly trip
to our new
play group.
After stuffing them
into their car seats
considering we didn't
have time
to readjust the seatbelts
for their now oversized
little bodies
we made it to the facility.
I didn't bring
my camera this time
I didn't want
to be THAT mom
but I probably will
again soon. ;)

I have to say though
this lil elf

did NOT face plant
off any mats today.
No sir
he swung those lil legs
around every edge
of every mat
and crawled down
feet first
on his tummy
everytime.
He's a quick learner.
I'll give him that.

And this lil elf

well she found
a new passion
for running and jumping
on trampolines.
Considering they are
the youngest
in the play group
they don't
run as fast
jump as well
or climb
like the others.
But she watches
and then
she attempts
with her tiny lil body
she is NOT afraid.

In just one week
I can already see
how much more
they are able to do.

And speaking of
one week
this is what I have
been working on...
Remember
this day.
Well I finally
figured out
what I wanted
to do with
their very first
work of Art.

I'm happy with it.
The pictures of them
were taken
around the same time
they did
the hand and feet prints.
So yeah
it's a keeper!
It's gonna hang
at the end
of our hallway
so I can be inspired
everyday to
"just do it!"

And with that
I do
have lots
to just go do.

Time

2011-12-08T14:25:00.000-05:00

Time is playing
tricks on me.
Time can move
so slowly
some days.

Time can also fly
right by
in the blink of
an eye.

This past week
seemed to crawl
at a snail's pace.
Is it lunch time
Is it nap time
Is Daddy home

But now I just
can't seem to believe
that a week
has gone by.

At times
I can't even believe
this past year
has gone by.

2011
has been filled
with so many
times...

Sometimes
Most of the time
All of the time
Contact time
Patch time
Time off
Time out
It's time

I've waited
and waited
for this time

and now

it came
and
it went.

Something about
the holidays

having kids
and Time.
Yes, it's a busy time.

But also

a reflective time.

Play

2011-12-02T22:00:00.003-05:00

My girl

has come

so far.

She has grown

so much

so fast

considering at one point

her physical

growth

and

movement

was developmentally

behind.

With Early Intervention
after 6 months
of Physical Therapy
ankle stretches
hip stretches
taping her back
taping her knees
tummy time
shoulder stretches

supported sitting
reaching play
the list goes on...

She sits!
She stands!
She walks!

She no longer needs
Physical Therapy
but was recommended
to continue
engaging in
gross motor movemet
through
Play!

It was suggested
we attend this
Play
group facility.

Of course
bigger brother
who has dominated
in physical
growth
and
movement
since he was concieved
didn't mind
tagging along!

We weren't there
5 minuets
and he had already
crawled off
the edge of a mat
only to face plant
and bloody his lip.

I think it was
part him being a
brave boy,
he certainly is that!
And part fact that
he is seeing
out of one Eye
and that effects
his spacial perception.

I also think
someone else
besides
the little girl
is going to get
some benefits
out of this
Play
stuff.

While we were waiting

for class to begin

we played in this

giant foam pit

where the foam pieces

were as big as them!

Azalea was the first
to sit and get ready
for circle time.

Easton soon joined in

before everyone else
sat down.

I was surprised
at how well
both of them
participated.

At one point
Azalea got off my lap
and walked right into
the middle of the circle.
She was just
that comfortable
the teacher directed her
to come sit with her

and she did!
Which gave me
the chance to snap
a quick pic. ;)

I am still amazed
at how far
she has come!

After a few
movement inspired songs
we were invited
to go
explore
more.

We
crawled through
climbed over
jumped on
reached for
ran across
anything
and
everything.

And all along the way
Azalea pointed to
everything
just like she does
everyday
all day
and
then we name it
for her
and she attempts
to say
something
anything
noise
breath
tounge movement
lip movement
she attempts!
And sometimes
she really does
sound
really close!

Honestly
they both
just amaze me.
They truly do.

Him
with his
bloody lip
patch over
one eye
and
determination
in the other
Eye.

And Her
with her
head up
arm reaching
body moving
balanced
focused.

But not just today,
they amaze me
everyday
that they
Play.

Smiles

2011-11-28T21:21:00.002-05:00

November

leaves us

with more

of what I like best

Smiles!

Seems she has

taken a break

from concentrating

on the serious stuff

and has made

more time for

laughing

pointing

and

smiling!

On the other hand
he is still just
his silly self
climbing
on everything
and currently
hanging
on Daddy.

Trying to get
one, one year old
to sit and smile
is a task
add another
and a dog...
this is what we got.
Thanksgiving 2011

Flashback
Thanksgiving 2010

Believe it or not
this was actually
our first
family photo!
We certainly
had come a long way
to get to
that point...
and we certainly
have come a long way
to get to
today.
Yay for Thanksgiving!

I found more
Smiles
when the tunnel
accidentally didn't
open all the way
which created
a U-shaped tunnel.
They loved it!

How can you
not zoom in
on that sweet
smiling
lil face?!

This one
makes me laugh
cuz it looks
like Pac-Man
is about to
eat her up.

The only thing missing
from these pics
are the
shreeks
shrills
screams
and
giggles
that fill our home
with laughter
and love.
To hear them
play like this
is like
Christmas morning
every time.

This next one
makes my heart
melt.
Its the moments
that they share
together
when they are playing
but then get so close
to one another
that they can't help
but to really
notice
each other.
sometimes they just smile and stare
sometimes they reach for each others face
sometimes they bonk heads
and someone cries
sometimes they head butt
on purpose, their version of a hug
and
sometimes they kiss
So sweet.

And lastly
what is
Thanksgiving
or the end of
November
without
the beginning of
Christmas!
So along with
a very toned down
toddler friendly
version of our
annual Christmas decorations

Yes, I decorated
the bottom of our tree
with any and all
hanging type
kid's toy!

We officially have
our first
family
holiday themed
artwork.
Craft time lasted
all of five minuets
fast
furious
and
festive!

Its hanging in our
kitchen area.
Today I added
a present
(aka patch)
under the tree.
Dare I continue
adding "presents"
under the tree
till Christmas,
we might fill
the entire paper!

But I love it!
Easton colored with blue.
Dark, big, quick
and on to eating
the crayon that is.
Azalea colored with red.
Right where Mommy
colored red
she colored very
very lightly
lots and lots
of lines
So delicate
So deliberate

They are

night and day

in every way

but

they are MY

night and day

I wouldn't have it

any other way!

They compliment

They complete

They are all

Smiles.

Feeling Full

2011-11-22T13:35:00.000-05:00

Ok, I have to

confess.

I was having

a tough time

thinking of how

to post about

Thanksgiving,

the holiday of

graditude.

Lately, the Eye

has been rough

and that is

putting it mildly.

Contact time

in the morning

has left

my husband and I

dragging our feet

to get out of bed

knowing the battle

that lies ahead of us.

I can only imagine

what my lil big man

thinks about

contact time

if this is

how we feel.

And that is

what truly

breaks my heart.

But then

we have days

like today

when I literally

was praying

out loud...

oh baby boy

you are so brave

I am doing this

for you

you deserve this

I know it's hard

but

you will see

in the end

how much

I truly love you

and do this

for you

be strong

be still

and

you will see.

And Azalea

my sweet baby girl

is watching

and listening

to the entire

process.

Most days she is

such a trooper

so patient

so supportive

so empathetic

I speak to her too...

it's ok baby girl

you are such a

good lil sister

big smiles

be happy.

Don't blink

because

before I finished

my last prayer

DONE

contact on!

No rubbing

No poking

No fixing

No do overs

No crying

No resisting

No kicking

No screaming

No calming

No re-swaddling

DONE

1 2 3

DONE

And then I

exhale

and the graditude

floods in

and then it hits me

I know this is hard

I know tomorrow

will be different

But today

this moment

right now

I feel it

I am sooooo

incredibly

GRATEFUL

Not just for all

the things

that we know

we should

be grateful for

But for all

the things

that are

hard

that make us

better

that show us

what really

matters.

I am grateful
for the hard days
because
they make
the good days
feel soooooo
incredibly
GOOD.
May God Bless
all my blog readers
whoever you are
be grateful.
I pray that you
literally get to
feel
graditude.
It rivals
love
literally.
It will make
you feel
way more full
than that
turkey dinner
ever will.
Trust me.

Happy Thanksgiving!

a patch is a patch

2011-11-18T23:10:00.000-05:00

Maybe its because
I ordered new kinds
of patches
and they are in.

Old kind, Nexcare on top... Ortopad then Krafty Patches, shows the size difference.


Options, I like options.

But I've noticed
unsettled feelings
over the patch
have crept back in.

So I did
a simple search
on the word
patch...

verb.
mend or strengthen
(fabric or an item of clothing)
by putting a piece of material
over a hole
or weak point in it.

ok, I like
the verb.
He patches.
He strengthens.

go on...

noun.
a piece of cloth
or other material
used to mend or strengthen
a torn or weak point.

yeah, other material
you could say that
but the weak point part
huh... His patch
is over the
strong point.

a tiny piece of black silk

or court plaster

worn on the face or neck

especially by women

to hide a blemish

or to heighten beauty

interesting...

heighten beauty

ummm ok
He does make a patch
look pretty darn cute!
But in what century

were these patches worn?!
Where patches
the primitive form of
make-up?

a piece of material

(as adhesive plaster)

used medically

usually to cover a wound

usually disk-shaped piece of material

that is worn on the skin

and contains a substance

(as a drug)

that is absorbed at a constant rate

through the skin

into the bloodstream

<a nicotine patch>

adhesive

medical

disk-shaped

skin... got it.

drug

absorbed

bloodstream... no.

only unless

the drug is

vision

or confidence

It would be great

if he would

absorb that.

a shield worn over

the socket of an

injured or missing eye

nope, the Eye

IS in there

healthy too!

not injured

not missing

a small piece

I think I like

this one the best

small piece

yes, the patch

is only a

small piece

of who he is.

a part or area

distinct

from that about it

<cabbage patch>

well yes

the eye patch

is a distinct part

of his face.

a period of time

<was going through a rough patch>

Ha, this one makes

me laugh...

yes this is just

a period of time

and yes

it is definitely

rough!
How did they know?!

someone or something

equal or comparable

usually used in negative constructions

<the new chairman isn't a patch on his predecessor>

He is someone

He is definitely equal

But he is

positively

the best

just the way

he is

patch and all.

a piece of cloth

sewed on a garment

as an ornament or insignia

Well, the patch

could become

his insignia?

It depends on the day

whether it's

ornamental or not.

a temporary connection

in a communication system

(as a telephone hookup)

temporary yes

communication system sure

his face

his vision

let's hope

the connection

is made

a minor correction

or modification

in a computer program

the last one
so true

minor correction

only in his brain

after all

that is really

why
He patches, verb.

He wears a patch, noun.
We're talkin

brain here!

I'm 31

2011-11-16T07:43:00.000-05:00

Mom email me
this
yesterday...

Great Courage

You have great courage. Use it.

Whenever you feel fear,

you are also feeling your potential for courage.

Go ahead, feel the fear,

and then let that courage of yours spring to life.

The fact that you can feel the fear

means you also have the courage to get beyond it.

Otherwise, the fear would serve no useful purpose.

Put that fear to good use

by allowing it to ignite your courage.

Put that courage to good use

by utilizing it to move toward positive, meaningful objectives.

Feel the fear and know it means you have the courage.

Learn from that fear and then

step forward with all that courage.

The beginning of courage feels like fear.

Follow through on that feeling,

let the courage come,

and with it you will achieve great things.

— Ralph Marston

Her thoughts were with
Easton and taking care of
his Eye.

Makes sense.
I love you Mom.

I think this message
can apply to any situation
and wanted to share.

For me, its interesting
that it appeared
the day before
my 31st Birthday.
Not that my birthday
scares me,
but the concept
of getting older
kinda does.

Entering my 30's
not anymore
31 officially means
I have arrived.
Motherhood
comes to mind.
Scary!
Do I feel 31?
Do I feel
like a mother?
Sometimes.

Certainly my youth
is over.
Teenage years
gone.
Crazy 20's
are behind me.
But in my mind
my heart
my soul
I still feel
well... young.

Sometimes even
in a clueless
I have no idea
what I'm doing
kinda way.

So when I see
this message on
fear and how
it creates
great courage.

I guess that is what
this next decade
is going to be about
Embracing
getting older
Embracing
motherhood

Embracing
my fears
Finding the strength
to push through.

I like the sound of
Courageous

I can do this
I am doing this
I'm 31.

Tree for Life

2011-11-10T22:42:00.000-05:00

I remember when

this tree

was lush and green.

It's shadow

was so dark and dense

you would have thought

a cement wall

was protecting you.

Then cool air came in
color too.
Sitting under it
was now like
sitting under a
cracked pinata,
little treats were littered
all around like treasures
waiting to be found.

Then the shadow changed
it was more of
a colorful crunchy blanket.
The saying,
"the apple doesn't fall
too far from the tree"
became clear to me
leaves don't either.

Now there is little left
exposed and bare
yet still so full
of life
of memories.
Every time we go
I wonder
is this the last time.

But really
the answer is no.

I have a vision
of the kids
all bundled up
and me pulling them
in a little sled
over the river
and through the woods.

Who knows
what winter will bring.
And soon
it will be spring.

I think this tree
will just be
with us
we'll wait and see.

So for now
we will take
any slightly good day
and go for a visit,
find a few treasures

push a little more
a little further
a little higher

grow and gain
insight
vision
wisdom

and when it comes
time to say
good bye
we might shed a few
tears

as it has shed
it's leaves
it's spirit
it's soul
unto us.

Six Weeks

2011-11-08T14:51:00.001-05:00

She's a princess, even when crowned with a crib sheet!

It just dawned on me
I havn't woke up
and taken a shower
in over a year!
I mean,
I've taken a shower. ;)
But only after
the kids are napping
or sleeping.

He. loves. laundry.

My mornings
consist of
diaper changes
contact insertion
breakfast n bottles
coffee n playtime
get the kids dressed
and after all that
the morning is over.
No where in there
is a morning shower.

They think they are so free with no clothes on!

I like morning showers.
I miss morning showers.
But I also
LOVE my kids!
They have now
officially
been under our roof
and care
for one year.

Ok so I staged this... but still, it's cute!

Seems crazy
to think that
since their birthday
all the way
to today
(a year ago)
that we were all
finally
together again.

Look carefully they make the shape of a heart, so sweet!

Six weeks
to be exact.
Is that a long time
a short time
I guess it depends.
Technically
they were home
by their due date
Nov. 9th.

A year ago this brought her home, now it's just a toy.

But to live
six weeks
a year ago
and then realize
six weeks
today,
it just gives
October
a whole new
dimension.

October
was such a blur
last year,
literally it was
the blur
of watching
Fall unfold
behind the window
of a car
driving
everyday
to the NICU.

You would never know this kid is wearing a patch.

This year
October
was amazing.
The kids just
seemed to blossom
more and more
everyday
something new
like watching
each brightly colored leaf
fall from a tree
one by one
day by day.

She finally figured it out... bat hits the ball.

To think it was
the same amount
of time
six weeks
but it feels like a
world of difference!

Happy 25th Birthday

Jonathan Verity

your Family and Friends

love and miss you

everyday.

I still believe

you brought

my family

home.

FIVE

2011-11-04T13:20:00.001-04:00

Ok so
I am trying
really hard
not to be
over dramatic
but
FIVE.
Seriously.

We have all
lost
an eyelash.
Yes, I know.
And most of the time
we don't even
notice
or think twice
about it.

Maybe I am
being
over sensitive.
He got a
skin sore
yesterday.
The kind where
when you take
the patch
off
the glue
takes his skin
with it.
About the size
of a breadcrumb
but still
sometimes it bleeds
sometimes it stays red.
Then the next day
I have to put
the sticky patch
right back over
the sore. :(
Yes, the milky stuff
is on there too.

But the eyelashes...
Sighhhhh
Cringe
Wince
It felt like
being punched
in the stomach
FIVE times.

He was rubbing
the patch,
it started to come
off
so I grabbed
another
took the old off
put on the new
all in less than
five seconds.
He started
to cry.
I started
to feel sick.
Was he crying
because of
the patch
or because of the
FIVE eyelashes
just ripped off
his eyelid?!

I distracted him.
The moment is
gone.
But my heart
still aches.
I.
hate.
patching.

It's just
not right.
I can't
describe
exactly how
patching makes
a mother feel.
It's
just
not
right.

I know
what I am doing
is not wrong.
He needs
to patch.
It is working.
But FIVE.

Five sweet little
eyelashes...
I am making
five wishes
right now
for HIM.

Home

2011-11-03T13:37:00.002-04:00

Ahhh November.

What is it

about November

that is so

quiet

calm

like the coming of

Home.

My birthday month.

The grateful month.

The beginning of

the end.

The last of Fall.

November.

I've learned
quite quickly
that the only
constant
in this parenting
journey
is change.
Just when
you think
you can
expect
anticipate
predict...
it's gone.

Something new
takes place.
It's exciting
It's challenging
It's comforting

Everyday
these growing bodies
do something new
little by little
and then
one day
you notice.

Sometimes
It's sad.
We used to go to
the tree.
It would be
sunny and hot.
They were
smaller,
just gaining
their balance
their strength
their courage
to move
to crawl
off the blanket
away from
their Momma
into the world.

Now
the days
are colder.
They are
bigger
braver
stronger
smarter.
They go
together.
Head down
laughing hysterically
feet moving feverishly
bodies pushing
out
into
the world.

Sometimes
they still need
their Momma.

Sometimes
they still
look back.

Sometimes
they still
sit
with me.
The Love.
The love brings em
back.
They know it
They feel it
Home.

I am home.

The tree is home.

November is home.

We are headed home.

Happiest Halloween

2011-10-31T14:21:00.003-04:00

How much fun
is it to relive
all your favorite
childhood memories
all over again?!

Only this time
I get to create
the memories
instead of
live through them.
Carving pumpkins
was a riot!
They loved it.
They loved everything
about it.

the sight
the sound
the smell
the guts
the seeds
the excitement
and of course
the mess

Mommy and Daddy
got to celebrate
Halloween as well.
I channeled my
inner GaGa
and it landed me
Coolest Costume
at our party!
I am sure
if the little monsters
had come with us,
they would have
stole the show.
They are definitely
the Coolest
and the Cutest
to me!

They have even
managed to master
walking
this past
Halloween week.
What a great trick
instead of treat
for Mommy!

All frogs do that
with their lips,
don't they?!

Time for a costume
change...
gotta love it!

We are looking forward

to a family Halloween walk

through the neighborhood

tonight!

So fun!
Pure fun
to see them
enjoying
family
traditions
Fall
October
and now
Halloween.

This has been
the absolute
Happiest Halloween
ever!

Just do it!

2011-10-28T13:26:00.004-04:00

As a mom

of TWINS

there have been

so many times

when I hesitate

simply because

there are TWO!

But at the same time

when someone asks,

WOW twins...

how do you do it?!

My reply is

I just do!

I have to

I have no

other choice.

There are many things

I feel

I would have done

with just one...

just yesterday

a year ago

I took home

just one.

Easton John

came into our home

alone.

And you know

as much as

I LOVED

having him home,

we were not

complete.

So all the things

that could have

that would have

that might have

happened

if there was

just one...

mean nothing to me

because we

have been blessed

with TWO.

And so today

we had

Twice as much fun

Twice as much mess

and

Twice as much artwork!!!

because Mommy

decided to

Just do it!

Let me just say

I have been

thinking

plotting

planning

wanting

to do anything

fun and creative

with them.

So with nothing but

time to kill

I threw em in

the pack n play

while I ran around

like a mad woman

so excited

SO EXCITED

and ready to

create!

The kitchen

made a perfect studio.

I will never look

at my kitchen

the same way again.

They were confined,

had to get through me

to go anywhere else.

The counter space

was perfect for

the artwork,

which was out of the way

of the mini messy monsters.

We were a

lean

mean

printing machine.

one foot

one hand

one mess

at a time.

I thought about

doing it with

just one...

at a time.

Leave the other

in the pack n play.

But as soon as

I reached for

just one

it did NOT feel right.

Sooo out came

the BOTH of them

we all

just did it!

Clean up

was probably

their favorite.

I let em

just play

with the water

while I washed

and dried

tried to anyway.

They were soaking wet

but clean!

I too was soaking wet

but NOT clean!

I will do this

AGAIN!

I had a blast.

I felt a rush.

The rush of

production.

The rush of

creativity.

The rush of

just doing it!

Sometimes,

I do wish

I had about

3 more arms.

I did

I would have

way more pictures.

That is the only thing

I wanted to do

differently.

But that's ok.

I got what I got.

And if anything

I got artwork!

I got memories!

and

I got confidence!

I can

just do it!

By the way,

this girl...

LOVED it!

Easton had fun,

don't get me wrong.

We all had fun.

But she

was so into it!!!

She did not

want to wait

for her turn.

And she did not

want to stop.

I am encouraging
everyone
to just do it!
Whatever IT is...
just do it!

New Tradition

2011-10-25T14:23:00.001-04:00

This past weekend
we were able
to have some
family fun
and start a
New Tradition,
Picking out PUNKINS!

It was a beautiful
perfect Fall day.
I think the kids
simply enjoyed
being outside,
considering it has
been raining non-stop.

We people watched.
We played
with the punkins
with the deck
with the grass
in the mud.

Easton was in his glory.
Such a boy,
such fun!

Azalea was all business
as usual.
She had to inspect
investigate
and then finally
approve.

Getting pictures of

the two of them

looking

and smiling

is almost impossible

add a million

new distractions

forget it!

But Daddy and Mommy

look cute. :)

We had so much fun!

It was easy

to loose track

of time,

when you have waited

so long

for moments like this...

We got our Punkins,

all of em!

some in the cart

some on the cart

some just so darn cute!

So exciting,

New Traditions!
Makes me
appreciate
all the moments
that much more.

Last Halloween,
he was home

she was not
that's ok.
We've come
a long way.
We are home
now!

So Grateful,
New Traditions!

The Beginning

2011-10-21T14:16:00.000-04:00

This was the day
of the beginning
of the eye.
We have officially
hit the one year mark.
Ohhhh only about
nine more years to go.
But hey
one tenth
of the way!

My babies
were still not
home.
In fact, big boy
had to be transfered
via ambulance
to Children's Hospital,
not the hospital where
they were born.
So little girl
was left behind.
Each of them
now alone
as individuals
for the first time.

Mommy and Daddy
were visiting
two babies in
two different hospitals,
daily.
Honestly I don't even
really remember it all.
It was all just
so overwhelming
that I just did
what needed to be done
in each moment.

I remember
little things like
him looking so tiny
at three weeks old.
They wheeled
him away,
So innocent
So ignorant
of what was
about to happen.

I remember
the knot in my stomach
and not crying
but wanting to
really wanting to
but not
because if I did
I was afraid
I wouldn't stop.

I remember
seeing him after
the surgery
knowing it was more,
worse
than what we thought
but still not really knowing
what would become of
the eye.

Funny how
in these moments
you find strength
that you don't even know
you really have.
Moments
taking each moment
as they come.

When we said good night
that night
having to leave
our brave baby boy,
the lights were low
the monitors were beeping
the machines were humming,
I leaned in
and he knew
Mommy was here.
His breathing picked up
his body was warm
he smelled so sweet,
I wanted to pick him up
I wanted to take him away
I wanted it all to
just stop.
But I didn't
I knew I couldn't
I knew it wouldn't,
a NICU mom knows
learns really fast that
tomorrow is a new day
tomorrow is one day closer
to coming home.

I didn't have the heart
to take any photos
that day
that marked
the beginning.
But here are
both
of them
the next day.
As I said good night
yet again
like I had before
and would again.
But knowing
we were one more day
closer to
home.

I know he's got big cheeks, but these one's are still swollen from surgery.

She may not be next to big brother, but she can still sleep in the same position as him... so cute!

On Her Birthday

2011-10-20T15:00:00.000-04:00

When raising twins

rare are the moments

when you can enjoy

holding one child

without worrying

about the other.

Even rarer is the moment

when you can enjoy

holding both children

at the same time.

Add to that

twin toddlers

and the moment

doesn't exist...

until today,

On Her Birthday.

This morning

we played.

So by mid-morning

we were getting tired.

I scooped em up

and decided to rock

in Her chair

maybe read a book

maybe sing a few songs

hoping to pass some time

till they were rested

and ready for more.

Usually this might last

for 10 min?!

until today,

On Her Birthday.

They were happy

just rocking

and singing.

We were all humming along

until I was suddenly

the only one humming.

What is this?!

twin toddlers

sleeping on the same lap

in Her chair.

I drank in the moment

I closed my eyes

I felt their bodies

I listened to the rocking chair

I listened to their breathing

I smelled their hair

I looked around

I looked outside

I noticed the wind

I noticed the fall leaves

and then I remembered,

Her Birthday.

She waited for the news.

It took 3 years to deliver it.

On Easter Sunday,

she opened an egg.

It said, "Guess who's coming to

Thanksgiving dinner?!"

Then she learned it was TWINS!

She was so happy.

But I'm sure she knew

and in the end I know

she knew.

She would meet them

from a far.

Last year, today

she had been gone

3 months to the day.

But in their Baby Book

I still wrote

Happy Birthday,

Grandma.

She held them

today.

I know it.

I felt it.

She was in Her chair

with us

rocking

just like she used to do.

Holding those

sweet little ones

looking out the window

enjoying the day,

On Her Birthday.

She may not have made it

to become a

Great-Grandmother,

but to me

she will always be a

Great Grandma.

Happy Birthday Grandma!

Thank you for the gift today.

Thank you for helping me

hold my sweet little ones

one more time

while they are still little.

I love you,

always.

Life goes on

2011-10-19T14:44:00.003-04:00

Does this kid

look scary to you?!

The only thing

he has in common

with that ghost on his shirt

is the fact that he loves

towels, blankets

and even buckets

over his head in an

on again

off again

game like fashion!

Add a little

"Boo"

in there and you might

get an even louder

belly laugh from him.

Been wondering

how do you

follow up your now

Dear Easton

2011-10-16T14:38:00.001-04:00

My baby
My boy
I love you
so much
beyond what words
can express.

You are fearless.
You are full.
You are endless.
You are endearing.

You can do this.
There are so many days
when you make it
look easy.

But I know
you know
that there is a
harsh
cold
reality
to the days
that arn't easy.

Every morning
Every moment
starts
and ends
with
the eye.

The eye
that can see
that is covered up
that wears a sticker
that bends your eyelashes down
that irritates
that itches
that rips your skin when removed,
that eye
is precious.

The eye
that can't see
that is pulled open
that is poked
that is rubbed
that is wearing a contact
that is learning
that is growing,
that eye
is seeing.

I am sorry.
I am so sorry.
That you have to
endure.

I am sorry.
I am so sorry.
That nothing about this
is easy.

I am sorry.
I am so sorry.
That your vision
comes with a price.

But Baby.
My sweet
loving
lauging
little boy,
Mommy loves
you.

I love you
so much
that I will do this
for you.

I will continue
to wake up
everyday
and do this
for you.

Balance
Strength
Endurance

Easton,
Mommy is doing
the best she can.
I am trying.
I am sorry, baby.
I love you.

And when we have
bad days
you have to know this,
I do this
because
I love you.

Someday
we will look back
and I pray
all this is worth it.
Because you deserve
a chance
at the very least
you deserve
a chance
to have the best
possible
vision.

I love you.
I am so proud
of you.
Keep seeing the distance baby.
See the Distance.

This day

2011-10-13T22:59:00.002-04:00

We've been

taking advantage

of the beauty
Fall
has to offer.
I remember
last October
they were still
in the NICU.
So everything
that I know
is new to them
feels new again
to me too.

the sights
the sounds
the textures
the traditions

this walk
this day
was perfectly
Fall.

We saw this
rock sculpture
along our way
and I was just
drawn to it.

Balance
Strength
Endurance
come to mind.
It also resembles
an eye.

Interesting,
this perspective.
Eyes have always
symbolized life
to me.
But now that my life
is literally about
an eye,
I see them
differently.
I see everything
differently.

Even leaves,
I see them
differently too.

This one
was falling
gently to the earth
when it landed
right on Azalea's lap.
She noticed it
picked it up
and looked at it
I mean
really looked at it.

It wasn't just
a leaf
it was a message

for her
for me
from above
of love.

There were other
leaves too.
Ones that made
music
and ones that
just didn't want
to let go.

We probably walked
for at least on hour
just enjoying
the morning.
As we made
our way
back home,
someone puttered out
still trying
to get used to
just one nap.

Someone else
was still
ready for more.

After some lunch
a real nap
and dinner
we headed back out
batteries charged.

For Easton
there is crawling
and then there is
turbo speed.
This is
turbo speed.

Little Miss
had some fun
with Momma
and her sweater,
even brother
found the game
fun enough
to crawl over to.

The tree always promises

a new adventure

on this day

it was sticks

and standing.
Twins
standing!
How cute is that?!
They both can do it
but not until
this day
did they
stand
together.

Seems like something
so simple, yet
for them
for me
it was
a moment.

The moment.

And with our new
Balance
Strength
and
Endurance
(see, it all
comes back
around again)

We took some
glamor shots
where else...
on the tree,
of course!

This day
was perfectly
Fall.

Change

2011-10-10T15:27:00.001-04:00

Its coming on fast
now,
Change.
They have mastered
the art of
crawing.
Races
down the hallway
won't be for long,
they will be
walking soon.

I feel it
everyday
is something new
different,
Change.
Have to have
something
in their hands
or else they won't
sit still.

Change is good
right?!
Change is constant
Change is inevitable
Change is growth

We are changing
We are adjusting
We are growing

It always goes to say
along with the ups and downs
of everyday life,
we continue to have
ups and downs
of contacts and patching.
That is just the way.

The biggest change
I've noticed lately
is that during the downs
it feels different.
It doesn't feel
as immediate
as intense
as overwhelming.
It's changed
a little.

And what better time
to change
than now.
These two are
so why not I.

We lost a nap.
Had two
down to one.
It's for the better,
Change.
But we are all still
adjusting.

I'm noticing them
more now.

They notice
each other
more now.
And it brightens
my day.

they talk
to each other
they touch
they tumble
together
as brother and sister.

They even

have noticed

me!

He walks to me.
He walks on me.
He came up to me
and gave me a kiss.
Snot nosed and slobbery
open mouthed
and drooling, but
My heart
melted.

She noticed
my hair.
She is so delicate.
Just like her name,
Azalea
the flower.
She was so gentle
with my hair,
I could feel
her love.

They brush their teeth now.

They use sippy cups now.

They giggle.
Real giggles.

And play.
They play
with their
whole self.

Everything
about them
is changing,
but so is
everything
about me.

I've been wondering
when is a new mom
no longer a new mom?
I mean really?!
I will never
have experienced
tomorrow
with them,
so doesn't that make it
new?!

But now I guess
I feel the change
I'm not a new mom
anymore,
I'm just their
mom.

Their Birthday

2011-10-05T23:11:00.000-04:00

Their 1st Birthday

came and went.

I feel like our lives

have been on

play, stop, pause

fast forward and rewind

all at once.

So many mixed emotions

came with this day,

Their Birthday.

We waited so long

to be here.

Now here

is over there.

It was all just an
overwhelming feeling
that I didn't anticipate.

We started a new tradition
took the day off
and headed to the zoo.
We've always wanted to go
even before I was pregnant.

While I was pregnant
we would purposely
drive by the giraffes
on the way to the many sono apts.
We never did get there.
Now here we are...

Funny how
life works that way.
Eventually
it all gets done.
Patience
Perseverance
Perspective
Peace

We all enjoyed the day,
Their Birthday.
The fall leaves
and colors looked like
birthday confetti!

On the way home,
we stopped
to where it all began.
We were feeling
grateful.
Without their help
today would be
just another day.
Going in the door
walking up the stairs
going through the waiting room
arriving at the desk,
this time it was different.
I don't think I felt
the weight of my steps
success
was carrying me there
this time.

Baby B was
all smiles
it was infectious
everyone was in awe
of her beauty
of her story
of her survival.
Our visit
may have reassured
their mission,
for me it reassured
my faith
the miracle
the gift
of life.

And of course
when there is
Birthday
there is party.

and cake
and cookies

and candles

and celebration

and company

and creations.

In the end
it's all about
Family.
Their Birthday
reminded me of
Family.
Family love.
Family unity.
Family growth.

They are part of this
Family.
We see the distance
together,
one year
one day
one moment
at a time.

This time
it was,
Their Birthday.

And just like
this picture says...

it was Happy!

Birthday Wishes

2011-09-27T14:03:00.000-04:00

It's their 1st Birthday,
tomorrow.
I don't even know
where to begin.
So instead of wishing
over candles on cakes
that are not mine.
I am going to wish
over this...

I wish that
this little boy of mine
sees the potential
I see in him.

I wish that
this baby girl of mine
never stops
smiling
even if it is
half crooked
just like her mommy's smile
when she was a little girl.

I wish that
this bond
is forever

happy
strong
and uplifting.

I wish that
those who are not here
with us today
but are watching
leaves fall gently
to the earth
continue to guide us
with their love.

I wish that
he will always
walk forward
with his head up
and his heart open.

I wish that
she will continue
to sing
so that the world
can share
in her heart's
joy.

I wish that
these two
will forever
grow
together.

I wish that
they will one day be
90 years young
appreciating life
enjoying life
sharing life.

I wish that
they will recieve
the gift of life
like they have given
to me.

Happy Birthday!

Easton John & Azalea Jayne

Love,

Momma

getting here

2011-09-22T10:54:00.001-04:00

This is
what it feels like
when you want something
so bad

but it just
doesn't
happen

you wish
you pray

you will
you want

and it just
doesn't happen

you try
to speak
but it's
not the same

in your heart
you know

one day
but just
not today

the waiting
the silence
the isolation

the sadness
in your
soul

the growth
the experience
the wisdom

the pain
in your
heart

you release.

Getting pregnant

felt impossible

but

here I am

celebrating

a year

of their

life.

Absolutely

unbelieveable

and

eternally

grateful!

Eye Report

2011-09-19T15:55:00.003-04:00

Easton had an Eye Apt today.
Very GOOD news
his eye is stable.
The pressure in both eyes
was similar and low,
no glaucoma!
His retina and optic nerve
looked good.
The stalk thing
from his PFV
was not an issue.
He has a clear line of
vision through his eyeball.
Yayyyyy!

He is to continue
wearing his contact.
He is to continue
patching about 6 hours a day.
His contact size and prescription
did not change this time.
We go back
every three months.
Dr. thinks next time
contact will change.

Soooo we are down
to two contact back ups.
Yes, we lost yet another contact
the night I got home
from amazing yoga
I tried to channel
positive energy
and just let it be.
If we use up
the remaining two
before the next apt.
we are to call the Dr.
before getting more.

I started asking questions :)
Will he EVER be a
good candidate for a
permanent lens implant?
aka. no more daily contact
answer... probably not.
Slightly disappointed.
Well... very disappointed.
His PFV left his eye
so abnormal that
he lacks the eye structures to
safely anchor the lens.
Dr. feels we can
revisit the possibility
when he is around age 8.
But at that point
we have a better chance
hoping for new technology
than any change in his eye.

Next question...
when will he get glasses?
Right now the contact
allows him to see 20/20
about 4 ft at the most
in front of him.
When he needs to see further
he will need glasses
and his contact.
So when he is about 3 or 4 years.
Starting school
seeing the chalk board, etc.
He will get glasses.

Next question...
Will he then wear glasses
forever?
Yes.
He will need to wear
his contact for near sight
and his glass for far sight
to see out of his
"bad" eye
forever.
Now you can see
why I was hoping
he could get the
permanent lens implant.
One less piece of
vision equipment.
By the way,
even with the implant
he would still need glasses.
The perm lens is only set
to one distance
either near or far.

Next question...
Will he always have to
patch for half his wake time?
aka. 6+ hours.
In other words,
will he be patching at school?
Not necessarily.
His patch time
could be a minimum of 4 hours
around the age of 3 or 4.
Thus he could patch
after school.

I am happy.
I am grateful.
This was a good visit.
Dr. says Easton
is one of her
most successful cases!
But there is still
a knot in my stomach.
Going there
hearing the facts
just makes it all still
feel real.
And when it feels real
there is still a
long road ahead,
no turning back,
the chance that things
could change,
and no magic anything
to make is all
better.

I'll get over it though.
This is a place
that is very familiar.
I try not to let myself
come here often.
This is were I cry a little
and pray for my baby boy.
And then I...
count my blessings
blog about it
and read other blogs
who know exactly
how this feels.

During the office visit
Easton was a champ.
No major meltdowns
Dr. could get to his eye.
He participated in all the
look here, look there tests.
Even putting the contact in
went well enough.

I told the Dr. about
my online eye buddies.
How in the beginning
all this felt so isolating.
And how the blog community
has saved my sanity.
I wanted to make sure
if she had future parents
she could point them
in a direction
of support.
I told her I was going to
blog about today's visit!
I think she is reading this
right now!
Hi Dr.! :)

Now back to
Seeing the Distance!

Yoga is amazing!

2011-09-15T14:40:00.002-04:00

I miss it.
I truly do.
the supplies
the classroom
the students

I know what I am doing
is important though.
I am raising
my children.
I can return to work
but I can't return
to their childhood.

So I brought the classroom to them.
Well tried anyway...
big paper taped to the floor
a crayon for each of us
they watched, I scribbled
they attempted, I applauded
they moved on qucikly
I got my fix.

They made more marks
on the crayons
than they did on the paper!
What can I say
an artist has to start somewhere
getting to know your materials
intimately
doesn't hurt.

I have to say
there is something about this tree.
It calls me
us to it.

On our way there
the wind speaks.
Nature begins to say hello.
A beautiful monarch butterfly
crossed the street with us.
And two more butterflies
danced with us across the field
as we made our way there.

Then we have moments
where the sun peaks through
and I feel so blessed.
This tree shares
it's roots
it's strength
it's comfort

it's love.
I feel like it is
our family,
our family tree!
I went to yoga last night
for the first time in a long time
it was much needed to say the least.
But during the flow
I envisioned and became
our tree.
I felt
my roots
my strength
my comfort
my love.
Yoga is amazing!

Easton wants to walk
really bad!
He took a few wobbly steps
to me for the first time
where else...
at the tree.

Azalea is right behind him.
She is letting go
and standing for longer periods.
Do you think she is going to
look back at this pic and say
"mom! what was I wearing?!"

I may miss my job

my old self

my old life, but

these kids are my life.

They are everything.

We may go to the tree.

But I know

I am
their tree.